Transformación. Transformation

Metamorphoses #2 (Spring) , Deron Cohen

"I have seen landscapes...which, under a particular light,a
made me feel that at any moment a giant might raise his head over the next
ridge. Nature has that in her which compels us to invent giants: and
only giants will do."

C.S. Lewis

What makes a couple something worthwhile? In Spanish we have only one possible translation for “worthwhile“: worthy of pain… why do we even use that expression, where does it come from? Is that somehow everything we need and want in life must bring pain? True, all that is truly worthy has a cost but when we assume that cost as such maybe it stops being pain. When we beget life we accept that labour pain is natural, we get ready; we take Lamaze so that every contraction, every inch of life brings us closer to the absolute happiness of birth. Perhaps because we think (in all our marvellous ignorance) that pain ends when that very happiness begins more and more women look forward to “enjoying“ labour (at least in theory).
Why couldn‘t we “enjoy“ then the pain caused by those other, large and small, births in life? I remember Geymonat and his idea that Freedom (true freedom, active freedom) is constant struggle: internal more than external; a struggle that bares a dialectic change in our being in the world. Every instant of the struggle is a choreographed movement that precedes an opposite one. The result is true and profound transformation that cannot be undone. If being free signifies permanent struggle, then pain and sorrow are natural results of change.
I want a couple that will feed my Freedom, that will set me free. I want relationships with those I love that will be liberating of that which needs to change and transform want love to transform me deeply and also to transform every aspect of my life that needs to evolve (even if this “evolution“ isn‘t progressive and positive but even an involution).
What makes a couple something worthwhile? (and I prefer this expression since its Spanish translation since much more positive and integral). Only a relationship that provokes such dialectic changes has meaning for me.
After so many years with Humberto I needed to free myself from him, physically and practically free myself. It took a while for me to understand why but at an immediate level it was logical. I found powerful reasons to get out of that relationship and move on but I did not understand the forces that were interacting inside in order for me to actualize that separation.
Myrna asks if my relationship with Craig is torturing. I stop at the question for a moment and my conclusion is: no.
With Humberto it was deeply torturing for reasons that are apparent to most people who know me relatively well; but my relationship with Craig, though it may seem tortuous at the moment, is not like that.
Being away from the person you love is a form of torture; living with the lingering uncertainty of what will the outcome be maybe turn out torturing as well, but only that relationship that seeks comfort (demanding you should stay still, define yourself in an imperturbable way and “sit on your eggs“ for the rest of your life) is torturing for me.
On the other hand, a relationship that naturally induces radical changes and feeds the struggle for Freedom is worthwhile.
Every relationship has a cost, that much is true. If I were more pragmatic I would have sought relationships to fulfil my concrete necessities and I would need to accept that the price to pay for them is holding on to the profit in such a way your life becomes static ((“Lose something every day. Accept the fluster…“ and yes: “Then practice losing farther, losing faster). Sometimes I did wonder: why wasn‘t I more practical in those matters?, what guided me when looking for partners? And yes, why is it that I never loved Humberto as I do Craig? Now I clearly see that the naturally dialectic interaction we‘ve always had is what makes me love Craig. The very thing that scares me from time to time, and even causes me “pain and sorrow“ is the reason why I love him. And that is something I must thank him for: so much recuperated freedom, such deep and truthful transformation.
In every relationship we must try to combine our life history with the other person‘s; our binding and limitations with theirs and our needs with their own. The closer such relationship is the more stress, and maybe pain even pain, we experience. But the profit is greater too. If it allows and promotes a dialectic change then it is more than worthwhile, it is significative and satisfactory of our real needs.
Which is the labour pain we must “enjoy“? Living with uncertainty; not knowing in which direction change will take us; having to conquer our fears continuously and being humble when facing them; accepting movement as the only possible guaranteed profit and learning to wish for the best (but not taking that for granted); understanding our leaps as such instead of sacrifices, and our sacrifices as the organic result of struggle itself; giving room for the other to struggle, face his own battles, and hoping that when the struggle ends (when the conversation is over, when the day comes to an end, after the psychotherapy session; at the end of life) we will be together still; learning to deal with every transformative process as a deep necessity -even if that is the scariest thing-; being forever close and apart (coming together and separating) and, after all, living with the paradoxical certainty that we will never “sit on our eggs“ again…. Mental Yoga seems like the only way to enjoy this everlasting labour of living… ooom, ooom.


M. C. Escher, Relativity